Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Current Events

Why doesn't anyone do anything like that here?
Please oh please include me in your next prank.

source: msnbc.com
Read about it here

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Thoughts of a Receptionist

"Hi. My internet isn't working. Can you get on the Jericho Road website for me and tell me their tour dates?"

"I know she's on vacation. But I want to talk to her now."
O...kay? What do you suggest I do?

"I'm from BYU and I would really appreciate it if you would actually let me talk to someone up there."
You're from BYU and that means you have power over who does and doesn't answer their phone?

"I don't use the internet. Would you just read me everything on the page?"
Wait. What? How old are you?

"Hi, I'm wondering if I can go look at the condos next to your offices."
Great. How about you go ask them to look at it. Hmm?

"I'm 22. I've been home from my mission for just over a year. I haven't gone to college yet. But I'm going to buy a ring and marry that girlfriend of mine! I am not your typical Utah Mormon!"
Let me stop laughing first.

"Hi. I'm one of the construction guys who is working on the roof. Can I take you on a date?"
*flash the ring* Nope.

"Do you have a bathroom I can use?"

"Can I have [insert name of any author here]'s phone number or mailing address please?"

"I'm related to John Taylor. And I have a temple recommend. Why won't you let me go up to all the different floors and look around?"
Because...you don't work here. Duh.

"Wait...who did I call again? Oh. Oh. Uh...I got the wrong number."

"Hello. Don't hang up the phone. We are here to help you raise your business's credit and to get you out of debt."
Yeah...No. I'm hanging up.

How'd you know?

I found this on another blog and thought I'd share it. Somehow this is exactly what my life is like...on a daily basis.
  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  • More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  • That's enough, Nickelback.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
  • Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  • Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
  • How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
  • My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
  • Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart.”
  • How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
  • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • Whenever I'm Facebook-stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
  • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  • Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
  • There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  • I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • When I meet a new guy, I'm terrified of mentioning something he hasn't already told me that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  • Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
  • I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
  • My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
  • It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  • I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatty before dinner.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Despite the Raging Headache

Took myself on a date last night.
Walked to the mall. Bought a shirt. Watched the little fountain show and listened to the music.
Went to Ben & Jerry's for an ice cream cone. It was some caramel concoction that was absolutely delicious.
Walked home with my spoils.
Ran at the gym until my legs gave out.
Cuddled up under a blanket on my favorite chair to watch my current favorite TV show.
Quite content.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Cleaning the Windows of the Soul

This is what I see from my desk. It's absolutely incredible. (Except, to be honest, I'm on the opposite side of the temple.) Lately, however, the windows have been getting dirty and dusty and finger-printed, making it more and more difficult to appreciate the beauty of this majestic temple. It got to the point to where I just really didn't want to even look out the window because of all the blemishes on the glass. It was distracting from the beauty.
Luckily for me (and everyone else in my building, really) Salt Lake likes to be a clean city, and today the window-washing crew was sent to clean all of our windows.
As I sat and watched the workers wipe the glass, I started to think about how it relates to repentance. We sin, we make mistakes, and eventually we don't even want to look at or think about our problems. We want to turn elsewhere so we don't have to think about how dirty our view has become. Yet with a little (or a lot of) work and some "soap" (i.e., the atonement), we're able to clean up and have a fresh view of our ultimate goal: the temple, eternal families and happiness, and everlasting celestial glory.
That, my friends, shows just how much our Father loves us. He gives us the opportunity to make things right in our lives so we can reach that goal. It's not an impossible ambition, and it's the only truly worthwhile ambition to have. If we constantly wipe away the dirt and grime that builds up so quickly we will eventually get there. I know it.

It also helps if you listen to MoTab for 6 hours a day. Really.

Can I go back to bed yet?

This was totally going to be one of those "I'm grouchy and want to vent vent vent before I go crazy!" posts. I had an entire page written about how much today just sucks. While typing furiously and getting madder and madder, I happened to actually listen to the music I have playing at work. MoTab. Suddenly my perspective changed.
I am so tired because my sleeping patterns have been crazy and I went to bed too late {at least I have a bed to sleep in and a reason to wake up}
Some random caller and The Beatles (my ringtone) rudely woke me up at 2 in the morning {at least I have a phone and, hey, the beatles rock}
When I realized I was going to be late, I threw on the first things I saw and now I'm wearing an itchy cardigan {at least I have decent clothes to wear}
Work is hectic and crazy. I messed up a spreadsheet. It's busy. There are meetings going on that I didn't even know about. {at least I have a job}
The window washers outside dripped water on me when I walked in to work {at least that's not my job, and I get to sit in a cushy air-conditioned room all day}
My wrist hurts and this brace is irritating {at least I have arms}
So I guess things aren't so bad after all, when you put them into perspective and compare your problems to others' trials. I should be completely happy. I will be completely happy.
That is all.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My Favorite 12-Year-Old. Ever.

I have a younger brother. He is 12. We'll call him "C" (just because).

C and I are rather weird. There's no getting around that. We make stupid faces at each other during dinner (and breakfast...and lunch...heck, we just make stupid faces all the time). We laugh at the most ridiculous things. We make fun of crazies on the sidewalk. We crack up when someone passes gas or talks about any other bodily parts, fluids, or functions. We mock movies. Yes, we're immature. He's 12, though, so it's okay. (I unfortunately don't have the happy excuse of being young.)
Tonight we continued the tradition of harassing D (our 9-year-old brother) in his sleep. Last time we got him to ramble about some crazy ponies and hamsters or something.
We slowly crept up to D, peeking over the rail of the top bunk. C decided to switch out D's stuffed elephant for a small football. He slowly threaded the football into D's embrace while carefully maneuvering the elephant out. I held my breath. D didn't notice the change, and snuggled closer to the leather ball.
Looking at the old elephant, I had a wonderful idea. I snatched it away from C and grabbed a few more stuffed animals from the foot of the bed. C caught on quickly, and soon we had all the animals in a line, "staring" at D.
"Just wait'll he wakes up to this!" I whispered. We giggled loudly at the thought until D squirmed at the sound. C dropped onto his stomach on the floor. I followed. We sat there for a few seconds until we were sure D was still soundly sleeping.
C and I cracked up again and proceeded to act Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove (which just happens to be one of the best movies - ever) doing his little spy dance. After a full minute of that, we fell over laughing again and ended up making more stupid faces.
Gosh, I love that kid.
Yes, we do fight and argue. A lot. And I'm pretty sure he's secretly plotting his revenge on me for being the big bully of a sister I've been. But I'm hoping that the little moments like this will convince him to show some mercy. He's a great kid. I'm the luckiest big sister alive.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Three Strikes, You're Out

It all started when Tall-dark-and-handsome came to visit his father at work. He sat and talked to me for a few minutes while he waited for Dad to come downstairs. We chatted about school and stuff, and I told him the complete truth: I'm starting school again in the fall; I'm studying communications/Marketing, but I'm still not sure; I live in an apartment downtown. I was wearing my wedding ring and assumed I'd never see this kid again, so I guess I wasn't completely clear that I haven't started school yet, I'm not currently studying anything, and I live in an apartment with my parents and siblings. I'm pretty sure he assumed I'm older than I actually am, too. 
The guy told me a little about himself as well. He's finishing up his degree at BYU. Some other stuff that I can't remember. (Once again, I was wearing my ring and truly thought he'd go home and I wouldn't have to bother with him again.) His relative finally walked out of the elevator and off they went. Out the door, out of sight, out of mind.
Later that day I got at email from Tall-dark-and-handsome. (Shall we think of a name for him? I think...Skip.) Skip wrote that his Dad had clarified that yes, the ring is fake and no, Bonnie is not married. (Thanks a lot, Dad.) So Skip decided to give me his phone number and suggest that we go out sometime.
I thought, "Hey, I'll take a chance. I've had some crappy dates recently but why not? It could be fun."
Skip texted me a few times over the next few days but then decided to forget me altogether. Two months passed and I didn't hear a word from him. Eventually I just deleted his number from my phone because I didn't wanna deal with it. Strike One (Two months? Really?)
The real shock came when I saw a certain message in my email this afternoon. Skip was apologizing for being completely silent for so long. He wanted to know what I was up to. And if I wanted to go out sometime. Friday? Okay. Friday. (Although I'm pretty sure he's emailing instead of calling because he got rid of my phone number as well.) Strike Two. (Over email? Really? That's worse than texting.)
Oh, but wait. Apparently Skip forgot that his friend's wedding reception is Friday, so we'll have to reschedule for Saturday at seven. Strike Three. (What's going through my mind? Skip "forgot" he had another date scheduled for Friday, and wants to score two dates with two different girls in the same weekend. Men.)
I'm pretty sure I should be done with it. No, I won't go out with you. Forget it.
But his dad works here, so I'll just have to suck it up.
Is there ever a fourth strike?

Friday, July 2, 2010

Moments: Stupidity

I'm the only person I know of who would actually tell a person to "have fun" when they're on their way out for a funeral.
Eventually I'll learn to be a little more tactful.